The Chronicles of Biggs
by wh4ts3rn4m3
Summary: A series of strange and random stories, some based on true events, others based on dreams dreamt by me, Biggs, or a friend. Some may be just random stories. Enjoy ] Rated T basically for...strangeness.
1. Chapter 1

**The Chronicles of Biggs, Part 1**

**Blue Myst Road**

(The following story is based on true events that actually happened; however, the author has stretched the truth a bit…well to the extreme. But it is based on true event…we just like to play it up a bit.)

Amanda, Meredith and Jacquie were in Jacquie's mom's car, driving to the supposedly haunted road of Hampton Township, their school district. Their English teacher, Mrs. Cole, had told them the legend of the road in English class one day. From what she told them, there was a tree on this road. A very large, mangled tree. There was also a house, at least it used to be there. In this house lived a man and his family. Somehow or another, the man's wife and children died, causing the man to go insane. He hung himself on the tree that still stands on Blue Myst Road, or more commonly known as Irwin Road.

Now, if you drive down this haunted road, and park your car under the tree that the crazed man supposedly hung himself from, and beep your horn three times, you will not be able to restart your car, and blue mist will arise from the ground, and the man will emerge from the mist and kill everyone in the car.

Since the girls were only in eighth grade at the time, they of course, could not drive. So they improvised. Meredith had with her in her purse a kazoo that she planned to blow under the haunted tree. The trio also had with them a can of mace and a pocketknife, just in case.

Jacquie's mom pulled up to the road called Irwin and let the three girls out of the car. After telling them to meet her back at the car when they were done, the trio ventured down the road.

"Ok…now where's this tree that we're supposed to find?" Amanda thought out loud.

Meredith shrugged. Jacquie walked with her video camera, filming the other two girls as they described the legend and whatnot.

The girls stopped as they heard rustling in the nearby bushes. They turned to see a figure climbing out; it was their gym teacher, Mrs. Gray.

"C'mon, girls! Only three more laps to go!" Mrs. Gray said, before doing an odd looking dance and vanishing into thin air.

"Well that was weird," Meredith said.

"Yeah," Jacquie agreed, and they continued down the path.

After walking for what seemed like forever…there it was. The tree. The three girls stopped in their tracks as they looked upon it. It was huge, and its branches and limbs were mangled and twisted in the most awkward ways. They stood there in awe at the sight.

"This-this must be it," Meredith said, sounding certain. Amanda nodded in agreement, as Meredith pulled the kazoo out of her purse.

"W-wait. You sure you want to do this?" Jacquie said, sounding concerned. Meredith laughed.

"Calm down, it's just a myth," she told her. Jacquie still looked uncertain about the whole thing. Meredith reached in her purse and tossed Jacquie the can of mace. "Happy now?" Jacquie shook her head.

"C'mon guys…let's just go," Jacquie suggested.

"No way. We walked for like an hour, we're not going back now. Besides, I have to write a paper on this," Amanda said.

"Me too," Meredith added, walking towards the tree, kazoo in hand.

Meredith took a deep breath as she looked up at the tree, standing under it. She put the kazoo to her mouth and blew it three times, as the legend suggested. The other two held their breath as Meredith did this.

"Hmmm…nothing's happening," Meredith said. Amanda had a look of disappointment on her face. Jacquie still stood there with the can of mace in one hand and the pocketknife in the other, looking about alertly.

Meredith shrugged and tried to walk back to the other girls. She blinked, and tried again.

"Guys…I can't move," Meredith said, sounding scared.

"Meredith, cut it out! It's not funny!" Jacquie said. Meredith hyperventilated slightly, and tried to move again.

"I'm not kidding!" Meredith yelled back. Amanda spun around to see if there was anything behind there. There wasn't, and she turned back around to look at Meredith standing under the tree, still struggling to move. Jacquie gasped as she looked at the ground.

And just like the legend said, a pale blanket of blue mist arose from the ground surrounding their feet.

"No…not cool. Meredith stop it!" Jacquie yelled.

"I'm not doing this!" Meredith yelled back.

"Both of you cut it out it's not funny," Amanda said, calmer than the other two. Meredith screamed suddenly and pointed in-between Jacquie and Amanda. The two spun around quickly to see a dark figure coming out of the fog. Jacquie shook her head.

"Not. Happening," she said quietly. "NOT HAPPENING! THIS IS _DEFINITELY_ NOT HAPPENING! OH MY GOD MEREDITH QUIT IT!" she yelled the last part. The figure came closer, and as it approached them they could see that it was in fact a man, carrying a gruesome looking ax, and wore a vicious expression on his scarred face. Jacquie screamed very high pitched. Meredith laughed.

"Jacquie, what the hell?" she laughed.

"Meredith, uh, not a good time to laugh," Amanda said.

"Oh right," Meredith said, and then screamed and jumped up in down. She then ran in circles, screaming like a lunatic. "Wait, I can move!" Meredith got a devious look on her face and rubbed her hands together, and then laughed maniacally for a few seconds. Jacquie, Amanda, and the mad ax man all gave her an odd look.

"Um…Er…sorry, that was the demon inside of me," Meredith said, blushing.

"Of course," Jacquie said. Amanda and the mad ax man nodded, and then the crazed man lifted his ax above Jacquie's head, about to slice it open with a single stroke. Jacquie screamed again, and Meredith tossed the kazoo, hitting the crazy man squarely in the forehead.

"Ow!" he said, as he dropped his ax on the ground and hopped around in pain. "Ow ow ow ow!" The three girls exchanged glances, and then Meredith pulled out a roll of duct tape from her purse. They snuck up on him and began to tie him up with the duct tape. When they were finished, the mad ax man lay on the ground, covered from head to toe in duct tape.

"I knew this roll of duct tape would come in handy," Meredith said, sounding proud of herself. She bent down next to the man, and ripped off the tape covering his mouth quickly.

"Ow!" he said. "Why'd ya do that?"

"Why'd ya try to kill us!" Meredith demanded.

"Because…that's what I do…" the man said.

"Whatever. Listen, guys, we should go back. Jacquie's mom is probably getting worried," Meredith said. As she said this, she took no notice of the man hopping away, still tied up with duct tape.

"Ah he's getting away!" Amanda yelled, pointing at him.

"Oh well," Jacquie said quickly. "We need to go…now. Which way did we come in?"

"Uh, good question," Meredith responded. Jacquie glared at her. "My instincts say…go…uh…that…way." Meredith finished hesitantly. Amanda shrugged, and followed Meredith "that way" down the path. Jacquie sighed and followed the other two.

After walking for a while, Meredith spoke.

"Hey guys, if I tell you something, you promise not to get mad?" she asked.

"Yeah sure whatever," Jacquie said quickly.

"Uh, I have no idea where we are…" Meredith trailed off. Jacquie stopped in her tracks.

"What?"

"Heh heh…yeah," Meredith laughed, and continued to walk. Jacquie stomped on the ground angrily and followed Meredith. Suddenly, they heard another sound coming from the bushed. A small figure stumbled out that the girls recognized as their friend, Swati. Swati ran towards them full speed, yelling about something. She ran right past them into a tree, and then fell over.

"The guy…with the…_ax_…and the…CHEESE LOG!" Swati mumbled before passing out. They exchanged odd looks and walked over to the unconscious form of Swati.

"What do we do now?" Amanda asked. Meredith scratched her chin in thought.

"Wait! I've got an idea!" she exclaimed suddenly. Meredith cupped her hands around her mouth, and then made some odd clucking noised. Another noise came from the bushes, and a llama wearing a cape came running towards them.

"Ralph the Wonder Llama will protect her!" Meredith said, looking extremely proud of herself. Amanda rolled her eyes.

"Whatever," she said, continuing down the path. As they walked further, they heard yet another rustling noise coming from the bushes. A figure stumbled out very ungracefully, and fell over. The three girls screamed as they noticed that it was the mad ax man! They all screamed and ran around in circles for a bit until they realized that he was still tied up.

"He's still tied up," Amanda pointed out.

"Yes…yes he is. MWAHAHAHAHA!" Meredith said. Jacquie and Amanda gave her odd looks. "Er.."

"Was that the demon inside of you?" Amanda asked. Meredith nodded. Amanda suddenly walked over and kicked the mad ax man.

"Why'd ya do that?" Jacquie asked.

"I dunno…it seemed like a good idea," Amanda shrugged.

"Hokay," Meredith said. They then continued to venture down the path, leaving the mad ax man tied up on the ground, writhing in pain from Amanda kicking him.

4Eventually, they came to a dead end, and walked through the mass of trees that blocked them.

"Dude, Chinese people...we must be in China," Meredith said, pointing to the group of Chinese people waving at them.

"Definitely," Jacquie said.

Eventually, the trio made their way back to Hampton, AKA H-Towne. Meredith became President of the World; Jacquie married a hobo; Amanda adopted a family of squirrels and moved to Conneticut. As for Swati, she wound up marrying Ralph the wonder Llama, and they had two very strange looking children named Ralphina and Tucker. They all lived happily and strangely ever after.

THE END.


	2. Chapter 2

**The Chronicles of Biggs, Chapter 2**

**The Plague**

(The following story is based on a dream that Sarah D. Shepherd had one night. It is told from Meredith's point of view.)

I was at Emily's house when it all started. Sarah was there too, and we were comforting Emily, who had lost her parents due to "the plague". I wasn't really sure what this "plague" was all about, but it wasn't good. My brother was there too, for reasons unknown to me.

Suddenly, the doorbell rang. Emily's brother, Jeremy, went to answer it.

"The barbarian is here!" Jeremy exclaimed. We all rushed to the door to see Marilyn Manson and his band standing in the doorway. We all immediately dropped to our knees and began bowing.

"All hail the barbarian!" we chanted, whilst bowing down. Suddenly, we noticed that my brother was missing. We ran outside to see him running around, flailing about.

"Oh no…" Sarah began, "He must have…_the plague._" She said.

I got very sad at that moment. "Th-the plague! Nooo!"

From that moment on, a leash in Emily's front yard bound my brother.

"Well…it's feedin' time," Sarah said as she exited the house with a bowl of cocoa puffs for my brother. She put it in front of him. He smiled happily and dove face-first into the bowl of cocoa puffs. He flailed about for a bit, and then stopped moving completely. We gasped.

"Well," Sarah said sadly, "That's it…he's gone."

**THE END**


	3. Chapter 3

**The Chronicles of Biggs, Chapter 3**

**LOTR Gone Wrong**

(The following is based on a dream that I, Meredith Bigatel AKA Biggs had one night. It is told in first person point of view.)

I remember it like it was yesterday…ok well not really. That whole encounter is kind of a blur to me. I remember Legolas was missing, and it was Gimli, Aragorn, and my job to find him.

So the three of us set off in our purple convertible in search of the elf. We finally came to an odd looking little island. Gimli parked the car and we climbed out, Aragorn behind us. An arrow shot by, and we spun around to see Aragorn with an arrow in his chest. Gimli and I gasped, as we spun back around to see who had shot it.

It was Legolas, standing there as the wind blew his perfect, long, blond hair back. He stood with a shocked look on his face.

"Why'd ya do that!" I yelled at him.

"I-I'm sorry. I thought he was an orc…" Legolas said, sounding guilty. We rushed over to Aragorn, to find that he was dead.

"Good job, Legolas! You killed the king of Gondor!" I yelled.

"I didn't…_mean_ to," Legolas said. I rolled my eyes. Gimli kneeled on the ground next to him, looking disgruntled and sad.

"Well…we can't just leave him here," Gimli said, speaking at last.

"We'll have to take him with us," I said. Gimli walked over to the car and tossed me a pink and black duffel back, identical to the one that had our supplies in it.

"Just shove him in there," Gimli said. I shrugged, and proceeded to stuff Aragorn in the bag. After we zipped it up, we tossed him under the car seat and drove off again.

As we drove, we heard sirens behind us. I glanced in the rear-view mirror to see a cop car waving at us to pull over. I hesitantly pulled the car over and parked it. The cop approached us.

"We're gonna need to check your bags," he said. Pippin, who had suddenly appeared in the passenger seat, gave the cop a hesitant look, and handed over the bag that had our supplies in it.

"All of them," the cop added. Pippin grimaced, and proceeded to pass him the bag that held Aragorn's body.

The cop's walkie-talkie beeped, and he answered it.

"You just wait right here, I've got two Galadriel's trying to kill each other…this is urgent, don't move," the cop said as he rushed back to his car, and sped off in the opposite direction. We decided to get away, and we drove back to Rohan, which resembled my middle school.

We reached Rohan, and noticed that everyone was standing outside, looking awfully upset. We sighed; they already knew that Legolas had accidentally killed Aragorn.

The rest of that night is a blur to me. All I remember is constantly walking past King Theoden, saying hello.

**THE END**


	4. Chapter 4

**The Chronicles of Biggs, Chapter 4**

**Always Keep Track of Lacrosse Balls**

(The following is based on yet another dream that I had.)

So there I was…minding my own business, playing an innocent game of hockey, using an orange as a puck. Unfortunately, one of my fellow players was a goat, and decided to eat the orange, so I suggested using a lacrosse ball.

We played with the lacrosse ball for a bit, until another player hit it too hard and shot the ball clear into the woods. I sighed as I went to go fetch it so we could continue our game.

I ventured into the woods, pushing back branches as I went. The lacrosse ball was no where to be seen. Suddenly, a floating orb flew past me, and then circled my head.

"If you don't find the lacrosse ball," a voice said, coming from the orb, "all the trees in this forest will turn into green jello, and the world will end!"

Now, as we all know, when a floating orb tells you that if you lose a lacrosse ball in the woods the world will end because all the trees will turn into green jello, you should _probably_ listen to it.

However, I was lazy, and didn't bother to find the lacrosse ball. Thus, the trees turned into green jello and the world ended.

**THE END**


	5. Chapter 5

**The Chronicles of Biggs, Chapter 5**

**Little Purple Riding Brenda**

(The following is a story that I wrote in seventh grade English class. The assignment was to pick a fairy tale and rewrite it, taking out all the magic in it. Co-written by Jessica Krzewinski.)

You all know the story of Little Red Riding Hood, but this is the real story behind the other story. It is not as magical as Little Red Riding Hood, but it is still a much better story. So enjoy it…or else.

Brenda and her mother Barbara were in the kitchen making bacon-bit and peanut butter pie when someone knocked on the door. As Brenda went to get the door, Barbara put rum and rat poisoning in the pie: a deadly combination.

"Hello, who is it?" Brenda called.

"My name is Theodore, and I am here to make sure that your eggnog is lump-free and that your toothpaste is ripened to perfection."

So Brenda let Theodore in. He was a silly looking man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a funny straw hat. Barbara offered him some bacon bit and peanut butter pie. Little did Theodore know what was _actually_ in the pie! -Dramatic music plays-

"Would you like thome pie?" Barbara said in her lisping voice.

"I would love some!" Theodore replied. Barbara served him a slice of the poisoned pie.

"It's delicious!" Theodore exclaimed when he took a bite. Then, all of a sudden, foam started running from his nose.

"AAAAH IT BUUURRNNSSS!" Theodore screamed.

Then blood started oozing from his eyes. His left eye fell out of it's socket, because his right eye is made of glass, due to the "rhino and b-b gun" incident.

Brenda jumped out the window screaming in terror because of what she had just seen.

"Get back here or thuffer the conthequentheth!" Barbara threathened. Brenda, still screaming ran into the forest, taking the rum with her. She looked back to see if anyone was following her, but then she ran into some shrubbery. She started screaming again because the thought the shrubbery was the decaying remains of Theodore, who was holding an octopus, who was holding a bouquet of flowers. Brenda finally passed out screaming.

Barbara, who was angry with Brenda, decided to dress up as a high-school football jock named Brad, who his friends nicknamed "The Wolf".

So Barbara, AKA Brad "The Wolf" followed Brenda into the forest, taking a pig-shaped squeaky dog-toy with her/him.

When Brenda finally regained consciousness, she was still trapped in the shrubbery. She started screaming again, and then picked up the rum and started running further into the woods; little did she know who was following her! –Dramatic music plays-

Betsy, Brenda's Grandma, who was a raging alcoholic, was waiting for Brenda to bring the rum and bacon-bit and peanut butter pie, when someone knocked on her door.

"Who art thou knocking at thy door?" Betsy called.

"It is I, Prometheus, the eleventh and three quarters," called a feminine voice.

"Come in," Betsy answered. Prometheus entered.

"I am like, sorry to say, that like, um, Theodore's like, dead, mmkay?" Prometheus said.

"You mean my Uncle Joe's cousin's second cousin's sister's aunt's grandma's brother's twice removed son?" Betsy asked.

"Uh, duh! Who else would it be you big silly goose?" Prometheus said, followed by a feminine giggle.

"Oh no! Not Theodore!" Betsy wailed.

"Uh, yeah, I like, couldn't believe it either," Prometheus said sadly.

Betsy and Prometheus mourned the death of Theodore together until they heard yet another knock on the door.

Meanwhile, Brenda was running through the woods, holding the rum in her hand, screeching "CA CAAAW!" and flapping her arms like a rabid peacock.

Betsy went to the door and called again, "Who art thou knocking at thy door?"

"Dude! It's like…Brad 'The Wolf', man!"

"Um, come in, mmkay?" said Prometheus.

The door opened and a highschool football player walked in.

"Want some rum?" Brad asked.

As soon as Betsy saw the rum, she tackled Brad and stole it.

"Haha!" Betsy exclaimed. "It's miiiine! All mine!" she said as she chugged the rum.

"Want some pie?" Brad said, holding out a pie of bacon bits and peanut butter.

"That depends, what kind of pie is it?" Betsy asked.

"Bacon bit and peanut butter."

"Chunky or smooth peanut butter?"

"Chunky," Brad answered. So Betsy ate some pie, which concealed the deadly combination of rum and rat poisoning. But Betsy, having a problem with rum and rat poisoning, was immune to the deadly combination, unlike poor Theodore, so Betsy only passed out. Brad the Wolf shoved her under the bed.

"Um, excuse me, but I don't like, think you should have like, done that because that was like, so totally un-Christian, mmkay?" Prometheus said. Brad then tied him up with raw bacon from a pig.

The door swung open suddenly and Brenda walked in.

"Ok…who are you?" Brenda demanded when she saw Brad.

"I'm Barb-Brad. Star of Prison High's football team, yo!" he answered quickly.

"I don't believe you are being entirely truthful," Brenda commented.

"That was a truly inexorable comment," said Brad, as he started to cry. As he sobbed, the glue holding on his mask melted off, causing the mask to fall of of his face, revealing his actual identity…BARBARA!

"Mom?" Brenda said, sounding confused, "You're a cross-dresser?"

"Um, no, my name ith Brad!" Barbara said. "Oh my gosh! My lithp ith back! Online thpeech therapy wath a fraud!" Barbara shrieked.

"Online speech therapy?"

"Yeth, when you ran into the woodth, I went on my computer to go to online thpeech therapy to fix my lithp, to cover up my true identity, ath Barbara: your pthycotic mother."

"Whoa," Brenda said, sounding tramatized. "You killed Theodore! Oh. My. God. How could you? He was only making sure our eggnog is lump-free and that our toothpaste is ripened to perfection!"

"He detherved it…I'm ALLERGIC TO EGGNOG!" Barbara yelled.

"What was that?" Brenda asked, as she walked over to the closet where the noise had come from. She opened it and Prometheus fell out.

"I'm like, dying, like. You, like, are the weakest link, good-bye, mmkay?" Prometheus said as he died.

Suddenly, Betsy crawled out from underneath the bed screaming.

"AAAH PROMETHEUS NOOOO WHY DID YOU HAVE TO GOOOO?" She cried as she took out a bottle of rum. She drank the rum quickly and got out a rocket-launcher, and shot Barbara.

"THAT'S FOR KILLING PROMETHEUS THE ELEVENTH AND THREE QUARTERS AND THEDORE! MY UNCLE JOE'S COUSIN'S SECOND COUSIN'S SISTER'S AUNT'S GRANDMA'S BROTHER'S TWICE REMOVED SON!" Betsy yelled as she passed out.

Brenda the got out a sharpie, and drew a moustache and glasses, and a goatee on her poor, drunk, unconscious grandmother. She then walked out the door, leaving the dead bodies of Prometheus the eleventh and three quarters, and Barbara, and the unconscious body of Betsy on the ground. Brenda was never seen or heard from again.

So you see, Brenda learned a valuable lesson. She learned never to talk to strangers, and _never _to eat her mother's bacon bit and peanut butter pie, even though it is _quite_ tasty I must say…

**THE END**

4


End file.
